


If I Had A Heart (I Could Love You)

by joidianne4eva



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, The Losers - All Media Types
Genre: Bloodplay, Hints of gore, M/M, Minor Character Death, Unhealthy Relationships, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-20 18:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1521098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joidianne4eva/pseuds/joidianne4eva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos turned seventeen the same morning his mama drew her last breath. </p><p>The second that Maria Alvarez’s soul left the world of the living was the very same moment when Carlos decided that he would go to the gates of hell itself to get her back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Had A Heart (I Could Love You)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of watching FMA at 3am. Thanks to Cougars_Catnip for the read through.

Carlos Alvarez was four when his father left.

One day the man had been there and the next he was gone, leaving nothing but a few pictures to mark his presence. For a while Carlos had hated his father, hated him for leaving them alone, hated him for making his mama cry but soon even his hatred faded into nothing but a memory.

Carlos was sixteen when his mama got sick.

The doctors said there was nothing they could do but Carlos knew that they were lying. The doctors wouldn’t do anything because his mama didn’t have the money to pay them. That was why Carlos started taking odd jobs, putting aside his alchemy training in favour of scrapping together what money he could but it wasn’t enough.

It was never enough.

Carlos turned seventeen the same morning his mama drew her last breath.

The second that Maria Alvarez’s soul left the world of the living was the very same moment when Carlos decided that he would go to the gates of hell itself to get her back.

\-------

Human transmutation wasn't only illegal, it was also wrong in a way that made Carlos’ skin crawl just thinking about it. That didn’t stop him from digging through the few things of his father’s until he found the book he needed.

The transmutation circle was the most complex one he’d ever seen and it took him three whole days to complete it. He kept the heating in their house switched off despite the chill of the November air because he didn’t want to know what the warmth would do to his mama’s body and she’d need it in good condition when she came back…and she _would_ come back.

Standing Carlos wiped his brow as he stared at the completed circle. He’d gotten every detail right, he was damn sure of it, now he just needed one more thing.

The thought made him glance at the stairs that led to his mama’s room.

He hadn’t been up there in three days but hesitation wasn’t an option now.

His mama was still, so still that she could have been asleep but she wasn’t. Her lips were tinged blue and her skin was mottled in a way that it had never been, not even when her illness was ravaging her body.

For a second Carlos gagged at the thought of touching her but he needed to do this. He couldn’t live by himself, he _wouldn’t_ live without her. Bolstered by that knowledge Carlos wrapped the sheets closer around his mother’s body before easing her from the bed.

He staggered once under her weight before regaining his balance. He took the stairs slowly, focusing on each step in an effort to block out the way that his mother's limp hand kept slapping against his leg.

Placing her in the circle Carlos shut his eyes for a second; clenching them tight against the tears he could feel building behind his lids. This was not a time for tears, he needed to concentrate.

Stepping out of the circle Carlos sent up a quick prayer before pressing his fingers to the curve of the circle’s outline.

That was the moment it all went wrong.

\------

Carlos huddled behind the door of the closet, the iron bar he’d found clutched tightly in his hands as glared at the ceiling. Tears streamed down his face as the thing called out to him, it wasn’t his mama, his mama had never looked at him like that, had never sounded like _that_.

What had come through the gate was wrong, wrong in a way that made him want to claw at his own eyes. Wrong in a way that made him want to lash out at it but he couldn’t because wrong or not it was wearing his mother’s face and Carlos had never lifted a hand against his mama…he couldn’t.

“Carlito, where are you my son?”

Carlos clenched his teeth against the ragged sob that was clawing at his throat.

The voice was closer than it had been before and now that he was listening he could hear the sound of slick limbs hauling themselves across the floor.

His head hurt where the thing had touched him and he could feel something other than sweat and tears dripping down his face but he didn’t dare move to find out what it was. Maybe if he didn’t move, didn’t breathe, it would go away, back to the shadows that it had clawed its way from.

“Carlos, is someone else here? You know I don’t like it when you have people…..” the voice trailed off and Carlos pressed himself against the closet door.

“Carlos! Carlos, help your mama! It’s here Carlos I can smell it. You won’t let it hurt me will you?!”

Carlos dropped the iron into his lap and pressed his hands against his ears. It wasn’t his mama, it was just lying!

“Carlos, Carl….” The voice dropped into a gurgle that sounded like the thing was choking but Carlos didn’t move. He didn’t move when something heavy hit the floor, he didn’t move when footsteps moved towards his hiding place and he didn’t move when the closet door jerked open.

“You’re gonna have to open your eyes at some point, you know.”

Carlos eyes snapped open and all he saw was a flash of yellow and a sea of blue before everything went dark.

\-----------

It called itself Jensen, at least that was what it had told Carlos when he woke up. Carlos didn’t call it a damn thing other than what it was…a homunculus. Every time the thought flickered through Carlos’ head Jensen would smirk like he knew what he was thinking. Carlos didn’t care what the thing thought, he just wanted it gone. He wanted it to leave so that he could mourn his mama, so that he could do something other than wonder at its existence.

Jensen didn’t leave.

\-------

The next time that Carlos woke, he felt strong enough to make his way downstairs. The first thing he noticed was that the transmutation circle was gone, completely erased from the wood that he’d carved it into like it had never been there. The second thing that caught his attention was the lack of blood…he didn’t think about the fact that his mama’s body was gone because in the end it hadn’t been his mama.

“You know I don’t get humans,”

The familiar voice made Carlos tense and he glanced in the direction it was coming from.

Jensen was perched on the window ledge staring at the spot where the transmutation circle had been, a shiny red apple in one hand and Carlos’ father’s book in the other.

“I mean when you knock on a door, you’re supposed to wait for someone on the other side to open it but you just kick it right in and stomp around like you own shit.”

“She was my mama,” Carlos whispered because that was all he could do. It was the truth after all.

“She was dead and all you did was let one of them use her body like a skin suit,” Jensen responded, taking a bite out of his apple.

Carlos clenched his fingers into fists before turning to meet the creature’s sky blue eyes. That was the first thing that had made him realize what Jensen was. Everything was too perfect about the blond…too right. Even his flaws seemed deliberate and it made Carlos angry because how could this thing step from the gates body intact when he couldn’t even bring his mama’s soul across?

“Are you going to kill me?”

The question made Jensen pause, his eyes narrowing for a second before he smirked. “You’re not getting off that easy, kid. You know the rules in order to obtain or create something; something of equal value must be lost or destroyed.”

“I didn’t get anything. My mama is still dead!” Carlos snarled. The truth behind his words hit him like a sledgehammer and suddenly he couldn’t breathe because his mama was gone and she wasn’t coming back, she wasn’t…

Cold hands pressed against his chest and Carlos sagged against them.

“Breathe, kid. This shit isn’t gonna get any easier but it sure as hell could be a lot worse.”

Jensen’s words cut through the haze that clouded Carlos’ mind and he sucked in a breath and then another until the spots stopped dancing in front of his eyes.

“W-what do you want?” he forced out.

Jensen licked his lips before he replied and the words were the last thing that Carlos heard before the familiar darkness reared up towards him.

_“I want everything.”_

\---------

Carlos didn’t ask if Jensen was going to leave again.

He also didn’t ask where Jensen was getting the money that he used to buy groceries from, though that was mainly due to self-preservation because without the food that Jensen provided Carlos would have starved…not that he really cared one way or the other.

Carlos wasn’t suicidal, no matter what Jensen claimed. He just didn’t see the sense in making an effort to stay amongst the living.

The first time he fell out of the apple tree in his backyard Jensen watched him curiously as he bandaged his aching chest and swollen wrist. The blond didn’t say a word but there was something dark in his gaze that made Carlos want to try again…so he did.

The kitchen knife was so sharp that Carlos almost didn’t feel when it slipped and sliced into his wrist. At least he didn’t feel it until Jensen was there, strong fingers wrapping around the wound but instead of bandaging it Jensen raised it to his lips.

Carlos sucked in a sharp breath as Jensen’s tongue probed the wound, licking away at the trail of blood. Everywhere that the blond touched healed, leaving behind nothing but a thin scar. When Jensen yanked him closer and pressed their lips together Carlos went easily clutching at Jensen’ shirt as the lack of air made his vision blur.

The moment that the creature pulled away Carlos found his voice. “Why?”

Jensen grinned, lips painted red by the smear of Carlos’ blood. “Because you had to lose something,”

Carlos wanted to ask what he’d lost but he didn’t…he was already sure he knew the answer to that one.

\-------

Carlos started practicing his alchemy again.

He was rusty at first. His circles didn’t work and he almost ripped up his books in frustration until Jensen caught him redrawing a circle.

“Why don’t you try it without the circle?” he suggested and Carlos frowned at him, partially because the idea was stupid and partially because Jensen had barely spoken to him since their kiss.

“The circle is needed,” he replied stiffly.

Jensen snorted, stepping closer before using his toe to smudge the lines that Carlos was drawing.

The teen stiffened when Jensen’s arms encircled his waist. “Come on, try it for me,” he whispered and Carlos wanted to tell him to fuck off, to just leave already but he held his tongue as his heart fluttered in his chest like a wild thing.

Jensen’s hands slid along his until they were covering his wrists and then they pressed Carlos’ together in a faux prayer gesture.

“Energy cannot be created from nothing,” Carlos forced out.

“I’m pretty sure that air doesn’t count as nothing,” Jensen retorted and Carlos exhaled sharply when the man pressed his chest to Carlos’ back.

“Air can’t…..” Carlos started before realizing that he didn’t have a rebuttal but Jensen was already there, his lips pressed to Carlos’ ear.

“You’re angry, right? They took your mother from you and not one of them came to see if she was dead or alive. Not a single one of your neighbours turned up even though I see them all watching us,” Jensen’s voice slithered into Carlos’ mind like something insidious and he pressed his hands tighter together. “Don’t you want to make them see now? Make them regret thinking less of you?”

Carlos could feel the air thrumming around his body. It felt like he was standing in the middle of a transmutation circle, like he was part of the conduit that drew the energy needed for alchemy. Every word from Jensen’s mouth made his body burn hotter until it felt like he was on fire.

“Don’t you want to burn it all down?” Jensen whispered and something inside Carlos _snapped._

A few feet away the apple tree caught fire but Carlos didn’t see it. He was too busy drowning in Jensen, the feel of him, the smell and taste of him to see anything.

They left the small town behind shortly after that and they never stopped moving.

\--------

“Seriously, Cougs, a State Alchemist? I mean we could be something cool like bandits!”

Carlos rolled his eyes at his companion’s whining. Jensen would have complained regardless of what he’d chosen to do and it had already been four years. He needed to do something with his life other than mourn, his mama wouldn’t have wanted him to waste away like that…and Jensen wouldn’t have let him.

“They will pay us,” Carlos responded when Jensen shot him a narrow eyed glare.

“They aren’t gonna pay me shit because I’m not signing up and I’m telling them that. The fuck am I going to do with money anyway? It’s not like I need to eat.”

Carlos shot a pointed look at Jensen’s faded shirt in response to that.

Jensen snorted, draping a heavy arm over Carlos’ shoulder. “You know, I could just walk around naked. It’s not like I’ve got shit to be ashamed of.”

“Then why are you coming with me?” Carlos asked.

For a moment the air around them seemed to vanish, leaving behind a chill that made Carlos shiver.

“You know damn well why I’m here,” Jensen whispered, his voice devoid of his usual joviality. Cold fingers turned Carlos’ face until he was staring at the man. “You’re mine, Carlos Alvarez and don’t you fucking forget it. If you die it’s gonna be when I decide you do.”

Carlos raised his head and met the cold eyes steadily. “You haven’t killed me yet.”

Jensen laughed as he dipped his head pressing a kiss against Carlos’ throat. The sharp edge of his teeth caught at the sensitive skin and Carlos' fingers itched to use the circles that felt like they were carved into his very soul, just as much as he wanted to pull the blond closer but Jensen was already pulling back.

“You’re too interesting to kill,” Jensen whispered like it was his greatest secret.

Carlos didn’t believe him.

Carlos knew what he’d lost and that was why he trusted Jensen at his back…after all it would be stupid for the blond to destroy what he’d won the moment Carlos opened the gates.


End file.
